I Am A Whole Person, A Work In Progress

I was carrying the weight of all I had been through. I physically took it on. 

I was helping, experiencing, giving, going through, pushing past & overcoming so many major life events without thinking about myself. I forgot how to be kind to myself, how to forgive myself, how to take care of myself. And I no longer cared to try.

Before my aunt died I was in great physical shape. I exercised every day, sometimes twice a day. I took pride in the fact that I didn’t need to rest like people said I should. I pushed myself so hard physically that I ended up in the emergency room for overexertion. My heart rate wasn’t slowing down enough for me to get REM sleep. I left the hospital with a prescription to rest. Ha! What? Me? Rest? The doctors were not impressed with my want to push through this too.

Reluctantly I tried the rest thing. Two weeks later my aunt died suddenly. My whole world changed after that day. Grief, sadness, overwhelm, anger, frustration, grief, disappointment, regret, grief, grief, grief.

More things in my life unraveled after that. Relationships ended, goals changed and I tread water through it all. I tried hard to look like I was sailing swiftly, easily gliding across the water. I was not.

Fast forward to now. Today. This moment. I have come to realize that I am a whole person. I am multifaceted. I don’t always have it together. More importantly, though, I realize that I don’t have to. Not all the time.

I’ve remembered what I had forgotten. And that is that I need me more than anyone else does. I can be gentle and kind or relentless and harsh to myself. I can make or break me.

Before, my self care regimen consisted of going to the gym, getting my nails painted, taking baths, hiking, reading & taking myself out to the movies or dinner. I am now adding energy healing, cleaning/ organizing/ designing my home space, writing, meditation, yoga, alone time & the quest for balance in my life.

This is a work in progress, as it comes more naturally to me to take care of others before myself or push myself to unreasonable limits. But I am not a martyr. I am a whole person. I’m a work in progress. And I’m excited to see where this new road of clarity and self-care will lead me. Better yet, I’m excited to see where I will lead it.

As always, thanks for reading!

Love & Light,

Sarah Gallardo

Founder & Executive Director of Sarah Speaks Up

sarahspeaksup.org

Valentines Day On My Terms

I’ve always hated Valentine’s Day. Boyfriend, married, single or otherwise… Not because I hate love or chocolate or teddy bears, but because I don’t like being told what to do and when to do it.

Christmas: A time for peace, love and joy. Ok.

New Year: A fresh start. Ok.

Easter: A time for rebirth. Ok.

Halloween: A time to be creepy and eat candy. I don’t know. I don’t get Halloween. Yeah, yeah… It’s another Biblical reference. All-Saints Day. But we all know that nobody cares about that any more. It’s about the candy and wearing things you can only wear one day a year… Ok.

Valentine’s Day: A time for acts of love that you should be showing people throughout the year but most of us don’t. Ok, people. Hallmark! And every co-conspiring store imaginable! What about the single people, like me? What if cherubs freak me out? What if I’m allergic to chocolate and teddy bears? What if don’t want to? Huh?

(Deep breaths…) I’m ok.

So, yes I do have plans on Valentine’s Day. I will be spending it with my beautiful daughter. In the evening I will be giving an interview on a TV show called Bully No More. It airs on Skye Cable TV Channel 13 every Sunday at 6:00. I will be discussing the fact that February is Teen dating Violence Awareness Month. This sparks a great parallel between bullying, teen dating violence and domestic violence. I’ll also be discussing my non-profit organization, Sarah Speaks Up.

After that my daughter and I will be meeting my fabulous, talented, motivated friend Rita, for dinner. We have decided to spend this holiday making a difference, loving each other, and most importantly LOVING OURSELVES! We are doing what we have decided. Not feeling forced to find a date, but to share friendship and simply enjoy each other’s company.

All that being said, my daughter is still getting a necklace, pad and pen set with hearts on them and an oversized Hershey’s hot chocolate mug with candy and a teddy bear inside it. My Valentine this year, Rita, is getting… Well, Rita might actually read this so I’m not telling.

Valentines Day, I have complied with your theme of love, but on my terms.

XOXOXO,

Sarah Gallardo

sarahspeaksup.org

Leaps Of Faith Are Not For The Faint Of Heart

Leaps of faith are not for the faint of heart. They are for the resilient ones among us. You need gumption, determination, panache, and a sprinkle of crazy. You need to be the person who, in conversation with someone trying to convince you that your path will be hard and riddled with bumps and detours, simply says, “Yes. I’m sure it will.” and smiles.

We aren’t trained to take these leaps. We have been taught that the path to security, financial or otherwise, is through college, love, work, marriage, career, kids, credit, insurance, grandkids, 401K, some place warm where our arthritis wont flare up any more and we can play golf and eat dinner at 4:30pm, and a plot of Earth adorned with granite that has been pre-selected and paid for.

If you live this life, if you are currently on this path, good for you. Although I’m sure you have stress (we all do) you are on a road so etched and deep that the dirt has created a wall of safety around you as you move forward. You know that you have a plan. You are checking off the boxes. You’re climbing, achieving, creating, doing, being what you set out to. There is great satisfaction in that.

I…(as I chuckle)… I took the leap. I did the thing that people said would be hard as hell. My stress keeps me up at night sometimes. How to build something new, something that will help people and effect change…and make ends meet while doing it? Well, that’s the hard stuff. All I know so far is that you work. You work hard and then some more…until your eyes sting and your brain hurts and your schedule is bulging at the seams.

I’ve started a nonprofit organization. I am the Founder and Executive Director of Sarah Speaks Up. My experience? Surviving domestic violence, volunteering for the Prudence Crandall Center, and most importantly being Sarah. So, yeah. I leapt like a gazelle.

Another leap? The first fundraiser for Sarah Speaks Up. I planned this event for months. I envisioned the hall, the decorations, the auction table. Months of contact this person, follow up, print this, post this, meetings, designing promotional items, asking for donations and so on. I worked. And yes, my eyes did sting.

The day of the event felt magical. My vision was coming together. I was so excited! The hall could have fit 150 people. About thirty people showed up. Of course, I felt like I didn’t do enough. I didn’t promote enough. Didn’t reach out enough. (Cue Catholic fist beating of chest)

But, no. As some very dear friends reminded me, it was what I meant for it to be. I made something out of nothing. I did what I set out to do. The bands were awesome! Shout out to Rockin’ Rhythm and the Chris Barba Band for donating their time and talent, and thanks to Jim Neri for booking them. The food was great! Thanks dad, for cooking and donating all the food. Thanks to my friends Erin, Gordy, Bridget, Tom, Brenda, Chrissy and Will for all your help. Thanks to my fabulous Board for being such an important part of this journey. Thanks to all the people who donated auction items, including my mom and my sisters.

We will be having another fundraiser this Friday December 4^th at the Masonic Lodge, 80 Walsh Ave. Newington Ct. from 6:00-10:00. Tickets are $20. There will be dinner, beer & wine, live music, & a silent auction (pretty much like the first one, but more intimate) I’m excited to see how many more people we can reach.

So, here’s my takeaway… First of all, thirty people matter. I touched their lives and that is more than enough for me. Second, leaps of faith are not for the faint of heart. I’m not faint hearted. I am resilient. I have gumption, determination, panache and a sprinkle of crazy. I am that person who, in conversation with someone trying to convince me that my path will be hard and riddled with bumps and detours, simply said, “Yes. I’m sure it will.” and smiled.

Thanks for reading.
As always, Love and Light. 

I Wasn't Prepared For This

I wasn’t prepared for this. I thought I was, but how could I be? How could anyone be? The more I stand outside of that belief and look in, the more real it all becomes to me.

This kind of thing happens every day. A thing that victims, survivors, navigate. And then there are those who don’t make it. The people whose navigating days are over.

My ex husband was released from prison two days ago.

Maybe typing those words, much like saying them out loud, makes them more real. It makes them exist in the world.

I’ve toyed with overwhelm. I’ve battled fear. I conquer the want for isolation daily. I have embraced what makes me real, what makes me human. It is not easy. For those who don’t know what it feels like to have been abused, imagine your own personal Hitler, Stalin, Castro, or dare I say ISIS. Imagine a person seeking complete control of every aspect of your life. Someone who wants that power and control and will take it at any cost. One who is energized by the very fear you feel. Who feeds off your panic, terror, paranoia, tears, sorrow, exhaustion, lonliness & despair like a leach.

When you’re in this state of panic and exhaustion you start to get tired, you don’t take care of yourself or the things that you are responsible for nearly as well as usual. You get sick, maybe gain weight, maybe lose weight, make little mistakes that could be costly; run a red light, forget an appointment, forget your wallet, miss deadlines at work, seem flaky or forgetful to people, become withdrawn etc.

Thus begins the slow and painstaking breakdown of a person.

Sometimes, even if you’re aware of what’s going on, you have little power to stop it. You feel like you’re falling down a spiral staircase with no end in sight. I tend to feel like I’m pulling a heavy load while neck deep in quicksand. And this…this very feeling is what the abuser counts on, hunting the weak and wounded to feel powerful.

These empty, insecure cowards are in among us all. We see them, just like we see their victims, every day. At the grocery store, the hospital, our children’s school, dance class, soccer practice, on TV, on a sports team…

I wasn’t going to write this. I was going to keep the appearance of a strong stoic woman, while fighting this battle in silence. But then who would I be? If I am not true to my brand, who am I? This is not Sarah Shuts Down, this is Sarah Speaks Up! And so I will share that I am scared too. It hurts. I struggle. I know how it feels to fight this battle for freedom, for life, again and again, wiping the tears from my face as I hear my daughter’s footsteps approach, hoping she wont see me crying.

I made this decision before I was posed with the question, “What will you do when he gets out?”. I decided that I will continue my work. I decided that I will be an example of boldness and tenacity. I decided to fight harder for those in need, including myself. No matter how tired I feel, how much my head aches, how badly my eyes sting. I will reach out to friends and family for help and support, just as I am there for others in need. I am no different from any other survivor. We are all one family, sharing a common thread, the understanding of what the other is going through.

For my friends, for my family, for my clients, for my coworkers, for my kindred spirits, for my daughter, for myself…

I decided that I will not be quiet even if I am afraid. I will not shrink or shrivel even if I am trembling. Against all odds, I will not stop Speaking Up.

As always, thanks for reading! 
Love Light & Blessings,
Sarah Gallardo

What I Wish I Thought To Say

What I wish I thought to say...

On Tuesday I had my radio interview with the amazing Renee DiNino. She was gracious, thoughtful and incredibly insightful. (Thanks for that, Renee.) Our topic of discussion was, you guessed it, domestic violence. And although this is a topic I discuss every day, it's not one that I discuss on the radio. Usually I get to preview the questions that will be asked during interviews so that I can prepare my answers mentally before we begin. With Renee? No dice. She wants the raw, real un-canned answer. A genuine conversation. Of course she does, because that's what listeners what to hear! 

Me: So, can we go over the questions you're going to ask?

Renee: Don't worry. It's just going to be a conversation. Talk about whatever you're comfortable talking about. But try to keep it to a twelve year old audience. Remember, kids might be listening. 

Me: "Ok, I can do that." (in my head) Holy crap! Most of my story is pretty terrible. Can I say miscarriage? Can I say he shot at me? Can I say he strangled me so I couldn't sing any more or that he gave my cat away while I wasn't home so that I would stay with him in order to get her back? (out loud) "Can I say miscarriage?"

Renee: "Yes." (she paused and looked at me) "You're ok. This is going to help a lot of people. It'll reach about 2 million."

Me: (in my head) Holy crap, holy crap, holy crap! Smile. Deep breath. (out loud) "Ok."

And so the interview commenced...

I think I did alright. I get stuck on the weight of what I'm doing sometimes. The fact that I want to save as many people as I can. I want to help people improve their lives. I want healing to go forth into future generations. It can get heavy. If I let it, it could probably derail me. Self doubt. Insecurities. And the grand asshole in my head, the one I lived with in person for ten years. "Who do you think you are? Who's gonna listen to you? You don't know anything! Stupid Bitch!" That was my name for a long time. 

No. More. 

But there is one question I wish I had answered differently. And since I have this platform, I'm going to make use of it. Will it reach 2 million people? Maybe not. Maybe it will if you help me by sharing this. Either way, I have to put it out there. And even if it saves one person, then it will have done what I had hoped it would. 

Renee asked me what I would say to someone who is experiencing domestic violence right now. Heres what I wish I had said...

I know what you're going through. I know you're scared and hurt and embarrassed and confused. You can't see past surviving today. You're probably angry about what's happened to you. Maybe you blame your abuser for hurting and manipulating you, maybe you blame your family for judging you or not saving you. Maybe you blame your friends for being distant or turning their backs. Maybe you blame yourself. Its not your fault. I know you feel totally alone, but you're not. I'm here. There are places for you to go for help and so many other people to help you. YOU ARE WORTH SAVING! You don't deserve to be abused. Nobody does. You deserve to be happy, to be free to make your own choices, whatever they are. You are NOT broken beyond repair. You are NOT worthless. You are beautiful, gorgeous, handsome, smart, worthwhile, special, intelligent, ONE OF A KIND! Your children need you. We need you. I need you. There can be a beautiful life waiting for you. I can't promise it will be easy, but it is possible. Recovering from abuse takes hard work. I know that because I've done it...I'm still doing it. But every single second of reclaiming my life has been worth it. You deserve real love and respect, from everybody...including yourself. 

I love you. 

Please stay safe.

Help is a phone call away.

National DV Hotline:

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

Connecticut Coalition Against Domestic Violence Hotline:

1-888-744-2900 (English)

1-844-831-9200 (Spanish)

Prudence Crandall Center Hotline:

1-888-774-2900

(860) 225-6357

International Domestic Violence Hotline:
To contact the toll-free crisis line from overseas, first dial your AT&T USADirect access number and at the prompt, enter: 866-USWOMEN (879-6636).
Or email at crisis@866uswomen.org