Leaps Of Faith Are Not For The Faint Of Heart

Leaps of faith are not for the faint of heart. They are for the resilient ones among us. You need gumption, determination, panache, and a sprinkle of crazy. You need to be the person who, in conversation with someone trying to convince you that your path will be hard and riddled with bumps and detours, simply says, “Yes. I’m sure it will.” and smiles.

We aren’t trained to take these leaps. We have been taught that the path to security, financial or otherwise, is through college, love, work, marriage, career, kids, credit, insurance, grandkids, 401K, some place warm where our arthritis wont flare up any more and we can play golf and eat dinner at 4:30pm, and a plot of Earth adorned with granite that has been pre-selected and paid for.

If you live this life, if you are currently on this path, good for you. Although I’m sure you have stress (we all do) you are on a road so etched and deep that the dirt has created a wall of safety around you as you move forward. You know that you have a plan. You are checking off the boxes. You’re climbing, achieving, creating, doing, being what you set out to. There is great satisfaction in that.

I…(as I chuckle)… I took the leap. I did the thing that people said would be hard as hell. My stress keeps me up at night sometimes. How to build something new, something that will help people and effect change…and make ends meet while doing it? Well, that’s the hard stuff. All I know so far is that you work. You work hard and then some more…until your eyes sting and your brain hurts and your schedule is bulging at the seams.

I’ve started a nonprofit organization. I am the Founder and Executive Director of Sarah Speaks Up. My experience? Surviving domestic violence, volunteering for the Prudence Crandall Center, and most importantly being Sarah. So, yeah. I leapt like a gazelle.

Another leap? The first fundraiser for Sarah Speaks Up. I planned this event for months. I envisioned the hall, the decorations, the auction table. Months of contact this person, follow up, print this, post this, meetings, designing promotional items, asking for donations and so on. I worked. And yes, my eyes did sting.

The day of the event felt magical. My vision was coming together. I was so excited! The hall could have fit 150 people. About thirty people showed up. Of course, I felt like I didn’t do enough. I didn’t promote enough. Didn’t reach out enough. (Cue Catholic fist beating of chest)

But, no. As some very dear friends reminded me, it was what I meant for it to be. I made something out of nothing. I did what I set out to do. The bands were awesome! Shout out to Rockin’ Rhythm and the Chris Barba Band for donating their time and talent, and thanks to Jim Neri for booking them. The food was great! Thanks dad, for cooking and donating all the food. Thanks to my friends Erin, Gordy, Bridget, Tom, Brenda, Chrissy and Will for all your help. Thanks to my fabulous Board for being such an important part of this journey. Thanks to all the people who donated auction items, including my mom and my sisters.

We will be having another fundraiser this Friday December 4^th at the Masonic Lodge, 80 Walsh Ave. Newington Ct. from 6:00-10:00. Tickets are $20. There will be dinner, beer & wine, live music, & a silent auction (pretty much like the first one, but more intimate) I’m excited to see how many more people we can reach.

So, here’s my takeaway… First of all, thirty people matter. I touched their lives and that is more than enough for me. Second, leaps of faith are not for the faint of heart. I’m not faint hearted. I am resilient. I have gumption, determination, panache and a sprinkle of crazy. I am that person who, in conversation with someone trying to convince me that my path will be hard and riddled with bumps and detours, simply said, “Yes. I’m sure it will.” and smiled.

Thanks for reading.
As always, Love and Light. 

I Wasn't Prepared For This

I wasn’t prepared for this. I thought I was, but how could I be? How could anyone be? The more I stand outside of that belief and look in, the more real it all becomes to me.

This kind of thing happens every day. A thing that victims, survivors, navigate. And then there are those who don’t make it. The people whose navigating days are over.

My ex husband was released from prison two days ago.

Maybe typing those words, much like saying them out loud, makes them more real. It makes them exist in the world.

I’ve toyed with overwhelm. I’ve battled fear. I conquer the want for isolation daily. I have embraced what makes me real, what makes me human. It is not easy. For those who don’t know what it feels like to have been abused, imagine your own personal Hitler, Stalin, Castro, or dare I say ISIS. Imagine a person seeking complete control of every aspect of your life. Someone who wants that power and control and will take it at any cost. One who is energized by the very fear you feel. Who feeds off your panic, terror, paranoia, tears, sorrow, exhaustion, lonliness & despair like a leach.

When you’re in this state of panic and exhaustion you start to get tired, you don’t take care of yourself or the things that you are responsible for nearly as well as usual. You get sick, maybe gain weight, maybe lose weight, make little mistakes that could be costly; run a red light, forget an appointment, forget your wallet, miss deadlines at work, seem flaky or forgetful to people, become withdrawn etc.

Thus begins the slow and painstaking breakdown of a person.

Sometimes, even if you’re aware of what’s going on, you have little power to stop it. You feel like you’re falling down a spiral staircase with no end in sight. I tend to feel like I’m pulling a heavy load while neck deep in quicksand. And this…this very feeling is what the abuser counts on, hunting the weak and wounded to feel powerful.

These empty, insecure cowards are in among us all. We see them, just like we see their victims, every day. At the grocery store, the hospital, our children’s school, dance class, soccer practice, on TV, on a sports team…

I wasn’t going to write this. I was going to keep the appearance of a strong stoic woman, while fighting this battle in silence. But then who would I be? If I am not true to my brand, who am I? This is not Sarah Shuts Down, this is Sarah Speaks Up! And so I will share that I am scared too. It hurts. I struggle. I know how it feels to fight this battle for freedom, for life, again and again, wiping the tears from my face as I hear my daughter’s footsteps approach, hoping she wont see me crying.

I made this decision before I was posed with the question, “What will you do when he gets out?”. I decided that I will continue my work. I decided that I will be an example of boldness and tenacity. I decided to fight harder for those in need, including myself. No matter how tired I feel, how much my head aches, how badly my eyes sting. I will reach out to friends and family for help and support, just as I am there for others in need. I am no different from any other survivor. We are all one family, sharing a common thread, the understanding of what the other is going through.

For my friends, for my family, for my clients, for my coworkers, for my kindred spirits, for my daughter, for myself…

I decided that I will not be quiet even if I am afraid. I will not shrink or shrivel even if I am trembling. Against all odds, I will not stop Speaking Up.

As always, thanks for reading! 
Love Light & Blessings,
Sarah Gallardo

What I Wish I Thought To Say

What I wish I thought to say...

On Tuesday I had my radio interview with the amazing Renee DiNino. She was gracious, thoughtful and incredibly insightful. (Thanks for that, Renee.) Our topic of discussion was, you guessed it, domestic violence. And although this is a topic I discuss every day, it's not one that I discuss on the radio. Usually I get to preview the questions that will be asked during interviews so that I can prepare my answers mentally before we begin. With Renee? No dice. She wants the raw, real un-canned answer. A genuine conversation. Of course she does, because that's what listeners what to hear! 

Me: So, can we go over the questions you're going to ask?

Renee: Don't worry. It's just going to be a conversation. Talk about whatever you're comfortable talking about. But try to keep it to a twelve year old audience. Remember, kids might be listening. 

Me: "Ok, I can do that." (in my head) Holy crap! Most of my story is pretty terrible. Can I say miscarriage? Can I say he shot at me? Can I say he strangled me so I couldn't sing any more or that he gave my cat away while I wasn't home so that I would stay with him in order to get her back? (out loud) "Can I say miscarriage?"

Renee: "Yes." (she paused and looked at me) "You're ok. This is going to help a lot of people. It'll reach about 2 million."

Me: (in my head) Holy crap, holy crap, holy crap! Smile. Deep breath. (out loud) "Ok."

And so the interview commenced...

I think I did alright. I get stuck on the weight of what I'm doing sometimes. The fact that I want to save as many people as I can. I want to help people improve their lives. I want healing to go forth into future generations. It can get heavy. If I let it, it could probably derail me. Self doubt. Insecurities. And the grand asshole in my head, the one I lived with in person for ten years. "Who do you think you are? Who's gonna listen to you? You don't know anything! Stupid Bitch!" That was my name for a long time. 

No. More. 

But there is one question I wish I had answered differently. And since I have this platform, I'm going to make use of it. Will it reach 2 million people? Maybe not. Maybe it will if you help me by sharing this. Either way, I have to put it out there. And even if it saves one person, then it will have done what I had hoped it would. 

Renee asked me what I would say to someone who is experiencing domestic violence right now. Heres what I wish I had said...

I know what you're going through. I know you're scared and hurt and embarrassed and confused. You can't see past surviving today. You're probably angry about what's happened to you. Maybe you blame your abuser for hurting and manipulating you, maybe you blame your family for judging you or not saving you. Maybe you blame your friends for being distant or turning their backs. Maybe you blame yourself. Its not your fault. I know you feel totally alone, but you're not. I'm here. There are places for you to go for help and so many other people to help you. YOU ARE WORTH SAVING! You don't deserve to be abused. Nobody does. You deserve to be happy, to be free to make your own choices, whatever they are. You are NOT broken beyond repair. You are NOT worthless. You are beautiful, gorgeous, handsome, smart, worthwhile, special, intelligent, ONE OF A KIND! Your children need you. We need you. I need you. There can be a beautiful life waiting for you. I can't promise it will be easy, but it is possible. Recovering from abuse takes hard work. I know that because I've done it...I'm still doing it. But every single second of reclaiming my life has been worth it. You deserve real love and respect, from everybody...including yourself. 

I love you. 

Please stay safe.

Help is a phone call away.

National DV Hotline:

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

Connecticut Coalition Against Domestic Violence Hotline:

1-888-744-2900 (English)

1-844-831-9200 (Spanish)

Prudence Crandall Center Hotline:

1-888-774-2900

(860) 225-6357

International Domestic Violence Hotline:
To contact the toll-free crisis line from overseas, first dial your AT&T USADirect access number and at the prompt, enter: 866-USWOMEN (879-6636).
Or email at crisis@866uswomen.org

The Unintentional Fishing Extravaganza

The Unintentional Fishing Extravaganza

I had been having a rough day and decided to bring my daughter and her friend to the park down the street. We only had an hour to stay there because my daughter had soccer practice at 5 o'clock. With 20 minutes left to play, the girls ran up to me and asked if they could go fishing in the pond with their friend from school. The friend was with her mom and little brother. I told the girls that they could do whatever they wanted with their 20 minutes, so if they wanted to fish that was fine with me.

At this point I think it's important to share the fact that although I know how to fish I don't like to. I am the girl who picks up worms off the driveway after it has rained and almost causes the occasional car crash for a turtle crossing the road. I honor and appreciate the life in all living things. Well maybe not ALL... I don't like mosquitoes, ticks, flys & other such pests, but I still save spiders and mice if I can. Anyway, I love to eat fish but not to catch it.

So here we are standing at the railing at the edge of the concrete slab that allows the kids to get right up next to the water. I, of course, was holding the book I had been reading and looking through emails on my cell phone. I had no intention of getting involved with the whole debacle.

The mom produced three fishing poles out of her van. There were two small ones for the kids with rubber fish at the end and one big one for her. It was obvious to me that the kids were just going to cast and reel. She seemed to be doing the same because she only had a fake worm at the end of her line and a plastic bobber.

None of them knew how to cast at all. It was like watching a sea lion throw an apple pie. No offense to sea lions... At one point my daughters friend tried to use the big fishing pole. She got the line caught in a tree and we had to snip it and put a new worm at the end. This is when the mom proudly produced a tackle box full of brand-new shiny, never been used hooks, bobbers and glittery colorful fake worms. She was beaming like a kid in a candy store. She had no idea what she was doing. Then she told me, "I could never use real worms. I can't touch them. (She made a disgusted face.) I don't look much like a girly girl but I really am." She was right. She most certainly did not look like a girly girl. She was wearing some old navy blue capris made from sweatshirt material and an oversized mauve t-shirt with four cartoon pictures of the Hulk's face on it. At that point it made sense to me why we never got to know each other. She proceeded to put a hook at the end of her line and stuck a fake rubber worm at the end. Then she cast, in true pie throwing fashion.

About one minute later there was a tug. She immediately started screaming and freaking out, jumping around and almost letting go of the fishing pole. It was resting on the edge of the railing and flopping from hand to hand. Then she exclaimed, "How did this happen?!?! I didn't mean to catch a fish!!!"

(Pause)

I wish I had a picture of the look on my face. As I mentioned before I had been having a rough day. A nice stroll in the park in the beautiful sunny breeze would have been ideal. As par for the course I was stuck with gangly clueless girlie mom and her sea lion offspring. I wanted to scream, "You absolute imbecile! You're fishing! You caught a fish because you're FISHING!" , but I didn't.

(Unpause)

I took the pole. At that point the fish had gotten stuck in a branch floating in the water. I successfully reeled it in and maneuvered it from the branch. I pulled it out of the water and did what I had seen people who actually fish, do. I held the fins down against its body and squeezed to keep its mouth open. At this point I noticed its teeth. Yay. Gangly girlie mom and her sea lion offspring were screeching. The two girls who were with me were fine. I was not at all amused.

The hook was stuck inside the roof of its mouth. I had to bite the line with my teeth because there were no shiny new scissors in the candy coated tackle box. I was holding the fish and looking into the eyeball that was closest to me. I started to apologize to it for not being the best person for the job. Then again, it could have been left to Mrs. How Did This Happen, so I guess it was better off with me. Tears were coming to my eyes. I was holding a living creature, acutely aware of the fact that the more time I took trying to gingerly remove the hook from its mouth the closer it was to dying in my hand.

I composed myself. After another minute I successfully got it dislodged and threw the fish back in the water. It swam away.        

It's a good thing that there aren't laser beams that shoot out of my eyes. Because when girly mom told my daughter, "Your mom is the bravest woman I've ever known!!!" then turned to me and asked, "Are you mad at me?", I know for a fact she'd be a goner. There'd be nothing I could do but ask, "How did this happen?!?!"

I placed the hook and accessories in her hand and told her never to fish with a hook again. Then I turned quickly and told the girls we had to go to soccer practice. I washed my hands five times before we got there and they still smelled like fish.

Moral of this story: If you don't want to catch a fish, don't use a hook. (Rocket science, I know.)

Or

Stay away from stupid people at the park. You just might end up holding a fish.

Feeling

           Feeling

As a trauma survivor, I developed the ability to turn my feelings off. I started at an early age.  It's easier to live through your days when they aren't riddled with anguish, confusion, disappointment and isolation. With the flip of a switch I could just feel nothing. How beautiful is that?

When asked if I was ok, I could simply say, "Yes."

As life went on and things got harder, I honed my switch flipping skills. It was no longer something I had to invoke, but something that became automatic. Difficult situations would arise and the switch knew what to do.

This was a lovely feature. No fuss, no muss. But there was a problem. I couldn't control it anymore. I couldn't tell which feelings were genuine and which were missing. So much time, so much training, so much energy spent not feeling, that I couldn't feel anything any more.

I've researched about PTSD. This is not an uncommon occurrence. But how does one turn it back? How do you start to let yourself feel when it becomes safe to do so? As is true about most  things, every individual has their own way of processing. Pain, loss, grief, jealousy, gratitude, loneliness, happiness, failure, success... Your way to deal with those emotions is different than mine.

So here is where I am right now. I have recently been through many hard blows in a short amount of time. Not only that, but I feel like every major area of my life is in transition and/or upheaval. It's all new. It all takes work. It all brings FEELINGS! I could choose to let the switch keep doing its thing, turning off and on as it sees fit. Or I can finally let myself feel.

Crossroad.

I have chosen to do the thing that I think is the bravest for me right now. I dove into the sadness I felt. It was as terrible as it should be. I ate too many potato chips, burgers, and pieces of cake. I drank too much red wine. I stopped doing the things that I enjoyed before. I watched more TV and read less. I was out of focus and I knew it, but I assumed that it was all part of the process, so I let it happen. Before, when the switch was in full effect, sadness was just visited. I only ever stuck my toe in it. The water was cold, so I opted out. "No thank you. That doesn't work for me." Funny, right? I was afraid of sadness, I was afraid of happiness, I was afraid of fear! These automatic parts of the human experience were not genuinely mine.    

Through this process I'm making sure to surround myself with supportive people. I make an extra effort to be kind to myself; read a book, watch a favorite show, listen to music, take a bath, go out to dinner, write in a beautiful place. I'm reconnecting with the things that I loved before and learning what new things I can add to that list. I'm going to the gym and hitting the bag again. I'm revisiting my healthy eating habits. I'm going to book stores & live music. I'm making sure to pay attention to my needs and not judge myself so harshly for being in a vulnerable place.

So, here I am. Feeling. It's interesting. The world is a little bit brighter, a lot more real, and a little bit more beautiful than I had known before.

And I am more a part of it.

As always, thanks for reading!

Please feel free to post a comment.

I'd love to hear from you!

Love & Light