The Glue

This morning I found a note card from a therapy session I had been to years ago. It says, "My inner child is bonded to the energy of neglect; I can teach her to expect better." I kept this card, hidden away in some unimportant forgotten place. I held onto it but I didn't read it. Maybe it didn't mean as much to me at the time it was written...I'm not quite sure. But I know that it means so much to me now. 

A long time ago I was broken. That's been one of the most difficult things for me to admit, as I try to be an example of strength and perseverance. Through all my struggles, all my heartache, all the sand traps and downfalls, I did allow myself to break. There were different levels of breaking. Different ages, different stages of my life. Pieces of me that never got the chance to form properly. I didn't know this at the time it was happening but I have come to know it now. Some might say I never really had a fair chance. A few might say that I should buck up and stop being so sensitive. The "tough" ones are my favorite because usually they have no earthly idea what true strength is. 

I do. 

I know the strength it takes to uncover the past, in all its wretched, ugly, secret, thieving truth. And what it takes to tell my brain that I choose to remember the things even it thinks I shouldn't. I know how it feels to look at myself in the mirror and see all the scars, visible and invisible, and blame myself for having them. I know the strength it takes to survive in an abusive day-to-day living hell, listening to all the ways I'm a piece of shit, a bitch, a failure, forgotten, damaged goods, useless, stupid, a mistake. And what it takes to go out into the world and not scream and run and cry and beg for help, out of pure fear, freedom within reach but choosing to stay in terror because I had given up on myself a long time ago. I know how it feels to walk away after having lost so much, cutting my countless losses, with whatever shred of dignity and grace I could possibly muster...all with an infant to care for, as my life imploded around me. 

Strength? Ha! I've got it covered. 

That is survival. But how about the strength to rebuild? Not everybody is blessed to make it that far, and for that gift I am truly grateful.

Later this morning I was driving my car to a friend's house. We were headed to a Buddhist temple, as I have found spiritual reward in connecting through meditation and devotion. My left hand hung out the open window as I drove, wearing five very special bracelets that are dear to my heart for one reason or another. My long hair was whipping in the wind as I listened to Back to the Earth by Rusted Root, jamming out to the drum trip and smiling. I was wearing a floor length brown flowing dress made of cheesecloth, the kind I used to wear every day in high school. The air was warm and the sun was shining. I felt, in that moment, so connected to myself. An image came to mind of Humpty Dumpty. Remember that story? I could see myself as shattered pieces, having fallen and broken. I could feel the love I had been using as a glue. The funny thing is that I give this love, light, forgiveness and compassion to all those who are suffering around me but failed to give it to myself. Today I did just that. I have the glue; it's love. I know what to do with the pieces. 

To Little Girl Sarah: It's not your fault. You did your best and it still amazes me. I know you need hugs sometimes when you're scared and you can count on me. I love you so much and I'm so proud of you! 
To Teenage Sarah: You didn't know what was happening, I know. You did as much as you could have done and helped those around you while you were suffering in silence. It's not your fault. I love you. 
To Abused 20's Sarah: I'm sorry. You were so lost and afraid, confused and alone. You didn't deserve that, not any of it. I promise to never give up on you or let you be abused again. I'm glad you made it out alive. I love you. 
To Me, Myself Today: You have fought so hard to get to where you are. You refuse to leave those suffering behind and I respect you for that. I see how hard you work to heal, grow, learn and rebuild. Who knew how hard THAT would be? Lol! But hey, I'm here. Don't forget to take care of yourself and rest, enjoy life and be happy. 
Oh, and one more thing, I love you! 

Thanks for reading! 
As Always, Love Light & Blessings
~ Sarah Gallardo
sarahspeaksup.org